Last month was rough, and the month before was rough, and the month before was rough, and I am not the smartest person in the world but I do have basic pattern recognition and that’s a lot of rough.
I spent time this weekend touching base with my support systems to chat about how I’ve been feeling and, you know, most people are not ok right now. That’s pretty clear. The extent of it and why are harder to crack but, yeah. Something was wrong, and as always, pretending it wasn’t wasn’t helping.
I fall into a regular cycle of taking on too much and then not accepting that it’s too much because “other people” have it harder. Suck it up, buttercup. You should be grateful. Don’t you know there are people starving in Africa? And there are. But there are also people starving here. There are people starving in all sorts of ways.
I want to be grateful for the wonderful things in my life, but sometimes that feels like selfishness. I want to acknowledge the challenges in my life, but sometimes that feels like selfishness. I want to think about others, because thinking about myself feels like selfishness, but the way I relate to others is connection, and taking up other people’s time and energy feels like… yeah, you get it.
Acknowledging that I deserve to feel good, at least sometimes, is a constant battle. It’s my boulder, and at a certain point, no matter how hard I try, it rolls down the hill.
I was always fascinated by Sisyphus and his rock. I’m hardly the only one. Albert Camus finishes his diatribe The Myth of Sisyphus saying, “We must imagine Sisyphus happy.” Do we, Al? Must we, really? I imagine Sisyphus anxious. Embittered. Tired. I imagine Sisyphus, sitting on top of the rock, arguing with Hades. “Not today. Today, the rock won’t roll down the hill, because I won’t push it.” But you have to, Sisyphus. It’s how this always goes. The dead can’t change their stories. That’s a luxury for the living.
I imagine Sisyphus giving up. Lying on the dirt, crying. Taking a look around, getting his bearings. Wondering if there’s something around that can help make the task easier. Some trick or device, some system, some assistant. I imagine him walking around Tartarus, spying on the other prisoners. Compared to the eagles feasting on Prometheus’s liver and Tantalus’s eternal famine, maybe pushing a rock up a hill seems better. I imagine Sisyphus reading self-help books and motivating himself to get back to work. “It can’t be that bad if someone else has it worse.”
Sometimes, I imagine Sisyphus leaving. Putting one foot on the bottom of the hill, wondering what will happen. If the gods weren’t there, what would stop him? Even if the gods were there to stop him — would they? Is this part of his torment? He was told he had to push the rock, so he did. He never questioned if it was actually true. He never tried anything else.
I imagine him climbing up without the rock, and it was just that easy. All he had to do was defy the gods a little more. And now, knowing he could have been free the whole time, is he happy? Or angry about the wasted years? Is he really free of his burden, or is he recommitting that cosmic sin that landed him there in the first place – delaying the inevitable? And even in his perceived freedom, does he dream about the sound of rolling stone?
I got back to work on Monday. I hit my weekly goals. I feel good about what I’ve done. One more step.
Physical
Monthly Goal: 100%
Week 1 Exercise Goals: 750 skips (150 skips/5 days this week)
Current Grade: 20%
Overall Monthly: —
Bonus: Stretch x5
Current: 4
Notes: An effort was made
Work
Project 1
March Goal: Drafts of scenes 7-16
Week 1 Goal: Draft scenes 7 & 8
Day 1: Goal – Read 7 & 8, make notes & roughs. Status – Re-read “Myth of Sisyphus” (it’s relevant). Did that, great work! Feeling good. Did notes, some roughing – goal met. Also did notes for 9 & 10, 11 & 12.
Day 2: Goal – Notes for 13 – 16! Status – Done! This was very hard, I fully cried twice. No wonder I was putting it off.
Day 3: Goal: Story structure. Status – Achieved!
Day 4: Goal: More structure! Status – Only a bit of this done. Did some drawing exercises and still got something done.
Day 5: Goal: Draft 7 & 8. Status: Continued structure work,
Evaluation: 80%
Note: Gettin’ there
Project 2
March Goal: Restructure
Week Goals: Move JD updates on HBZ; begin restructuring
Evaluation: Begun! 100% for what I wanted!
Notes: Implementation by March 15 – good start! Take that, last week pessimistic Veronica!
Other
Monday Night Streaming: Fun! The game continues. Join me this coming Monday, why dontcha!
Thursday: Open mic @ Fogged Up – had a good time!
Gratitudes: My sister Avril, my friend Sarah, my friend Bree, my partner Stacy, for being swell and helping drag me out of my funk
Shout outs: Gwyn, for visiting my stream and keeping me company while I save the world
Veronica Dymond 