My partner Stacy and I watched the entire series of “Xena: Warrior Princess” this year. It was the highlight of our Snowmageddon and lockdown bulk-watching sessions. Some people found this amusing, and so for your amusement over the high holidays, I have collected all the posts, tweets, and assorted commentary we made while watching.
I’ve also added some additional remarks on things I never posted about but definitely deserved to be commented upon. And also there’s wonderful Xena gifs.
Enjoy!
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*Stacy and me watching the DVD intro for Xena: Warrior Princess *
Me: What’s with that hat?
Stacy: Don’t worry about it
Me: What’s with THAT hat?
Stacy: I said don’t worry about it
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Happy New Year, I am watching the Xena episode with ancient Greek ninjas
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So far in Xena there have been two episodes where babies in Xena’s care are thrown in the air so she can fight better. There have been two episodes with babies.
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Xena thoughts: You can tell this guy is evil because he killed a butterfly
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Xena threw the chakram in the air and it hovered for a bit and then returned to her hip holster
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This episode of Xena is “ER: Ancient Athens.”
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Friends, for your enjoyment: The Greatest Moment in Xena (and All TV) History
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ME: Oh wow — Xena must be furious at Gabrielle, because Gabrielle didn’t kill her evil daughter and then her daughter killed Xena’s son!
STACY: Yup. And that’s why the musical episode happens.
ME: I’m sorry what
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My big takeaway from the Xena musical is where were the cats?
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OMG Xena was spying on a naked Amazon Queen getting a leaf whipping massage and then Xena crashed through the roof while she was spying and she fought the naked Amazon Queen and then the queen STEALS XENA’S CLOTHES WHILE THEY ARE FIGHTING AND PUTS THEM ON AS THEY ARE FIGHTING AND NOW XENA IS NAKED FIGHTING WTF!!!!
This episode is deeply problematic but I love these Amazons
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Friends, we’ve reached the episode where Gabrielle gets attacked by a vampire rabbit
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Tonight’s episode: Xena does a Footloose
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Did a chained and bound Xena just swing a dead rat into the air with her mouth to hit a weapon that drops down into the pit she’s in, breaking apart her chains to escape from jail?
Yes, yes she did.
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In other TV news, Xena seems to be possessed by some sort of yoga rat demon
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Got engaged to a lady, did an all-lady comedy show, and watched the Xena episode where she invents the ♀️ symbol. #IWD
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On this day, the Ides of March, an important figure from ancient times was killed:
Xena, Warrior Princess.
(The second time.)
(The third time was by an evil samurai ghost. The first was… complicated)
(Actually is this the order? Xena has died more than Jean Grey.)
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Finally, the chakram is getting the spotlight it so rightly deserves
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Me: Aw, they’re doing a chakram montage for Xena’s broken chakram!
Stacy: Yes. This episode’s title is “Chakram.”
Me: Wow. I didn’t know that. That’s surprising.
Stacy: …
Me: You could say I’m in–
Stacy: NOPE
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So far this season we’ve had Angel Xena, Devil Xena, and now we have Cowboy Xena
The three genders
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The gay subtext in this show has slowly been getting more textual, but still, I was not prepared for a female villain to stick her hand in Xena’s guts and whisper, “I’ve always wanted to be inside you.”
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Two truths and a lie: Tonight’s episode of Xena features 1) Xena body swapping/sharing a body with a child (who will one day grow up to be the main character on iZombie), 2) GLOW – Greek Ladies of Wrestling, or 3) Gabrielle and Aphrodite dressed like Valkyries, covered in oil, fighting two guys who made a joke about being “cunning linguists”
SURPRISE they are all true
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Omg they just broke into a fortress by pretending Xena/the kid was selling “Junior Amazon Scout Cookies” hahaha
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Ares (creepily, to pregnant Xena): I wish I’d known you were looking for a father, I would have volunteered
Xena: I already found one
Ares: Who?
Xena: Gabrielle.
Gabrielle:
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Fully pregnant Lucy Lawless kicking ass is amazing.
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There are so many scenes of people in hot tubs in Xena that I am convinced they must have built an entire set exclusively for hot tub scenes
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Currently watching what Stacy describes as the “all-time worst episode of Xena.” So far as I can tell from the first 5 minutes, it’s “Overboard” with Gabrielle as a mermaid. Joxer is her husband and they have an octopus baby
I think the octopus baby is supposed to be cute but in fact it is the origin of all my childhood nightmares
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Xena did “kill all the gods of all the mythologies” before it was cool, Kratos.
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A few notes on this episode:
It’s called “Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire.”
Xena does a battle of the bands.
As in, instead of a battle, the outcome of a war will be decided by which army can out-rock the other.
It is a jukebox musical.
Xena in a fur coat.
Gabrielle in a tassel bikini.
Joxer has a flamboyant gay stereotype brother, also played by Ted Rami. This series is obsessed with twins/triplets/look-a-likes.
Xena shredding a metal version of the Xena theme on a “lyre”.
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We’re on season 6 of Xena now, final season. Season 5 was pretty boring for the most part, but this one has gay valkyrie and many dumb hats, so LET’S GO!
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Gabrielle: Xena! There’s trouble!
Xena: Let me guess, it’s huge and potentially devastating?
Gabrielle: …
Xena: continues braiding her horse’s hair
Also while I was typing this, she did the “your fly is down” move on Lucifer. So, you know. Normal day.
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Actual Xena Canon: Xena dances Satan into existence
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Somber Music: plays
Gabrielle: I will avenge my parents. I will kill the slavers who kidnaped my niece. I will *runs to puke off the side of the boat*
Somber Music: keeps playing
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Gabrielle: Ares is up to his old tricks again
Xena: Oh wow wanna take a bath about it?
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Some thoughts on episodes I never covered before:
The best arc of the series is when Xena goes north to fight Grendel with Beowulf because in the past she was an evil Valkyrie who stole magic gold from some sexy river ladies and forged the Ring of Power with it but then Grendel got the ring and became super powered and Xena left and so Xena leaves Gabrielle to finish Grendel off but Gabrielle follows her and meets up with a strange woman who turns out to be a non-evil Valkyrie who falls in love with Gabrielle, no innuendo or subtext, just “Hello I am in love with you Gabrielle,” and Gabrielle gets put under a sleeping spell and the gay Valkyrie becomes an eternal flame that surrounds her to protect her until her soul mate comes to kiss her awake and SURPRISE is Xena her soulmate, but Xena has lost her memories and Beowulf is like the wingman for Xena and Gabrielle and then they kiss and defeat Grendel and then defeat Odin too for good measure.
There are many silly hats in this episode.
Also I mentioned Xena and Gabrielle just fully kiss and everyone is like “oh yeah because they are soul mates who are in love with each other.”
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Everyone once in a while Xena does “future episodes” where the cast is “reincarnated” and the actors are all playing future versions of the characters. In one of these, Gabrielle is Indiana Jones. It’s a good look. In another, Gabrielle and Xena are canonically married, but Xena’s soul is in Ted Rami’s body so it’s “straight.” (Joxer’s soul is in Lucy Lawless’ body.) But in the penultimate episode of the series, “Xena in Ted Rami’s body” switches bodies with “Joxer in Lucy Lawless’ body” so everyone is in their “normal” bodies and Gabrielle and Xena are like “awesome finally” and drive off together and that’s pretty gay
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This series loves the identical twins/identical triplets/strangers-with-the-same-face trope.
There are no less than four episodes about Xena’s collective three look-a-likes.
Joxer has two look-a-likes (his brothers, Jet and Jace).
Gabrielle has one (her daughter, Hope).
This doesn’t count actors playing different characters, like Karl Urban playing both Cupid and Juluis Ceasar (and some other one-shot villain), which happens a lot.
Throw in the future episodes and there’s a LOT of “hey you’ve got the same face as…” plots.
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There’s a super weird episode where the guy who plays Iolaus in Hercules (Michael Hurst) is, like, a “modern” 90s gotcha journalist/documentarian who is following around Xena and Gabrielle asking them if they’re fucking. It’s bizarre and not just because the answer is “Yes, obviously.” I thought there would be a twist where they were like, “This is Loki or some other trickster god and that explains why there’s all this 90s décor and technology around!” But no, it’s just this weird anachronistic plot device that we’re supposed to go with that doesn’t get explained.
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“Xena does groundhog day” is one of the best episodes.
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Xena was filmed in New Zealand, and I love it when the accent slips through from guests/extras. “I’ll get you, XENER!”
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In the last normal episode of the series before the finale (there’s a “future episode” right before it), it’s Gabrielle’s birthday and as a birthday present, Xena gets Gabrielle tickets to a Sappho concert. A Sappho concert.
They end up fighting some dudes over Hermes’ helmet, a magic helmet that can make people fly, and end up missing the concert. So to make up for it, Xena gives Gabrielle a poem she commissioned FROM SAPPHO DIRECTLY and then they use the magic helmet to FLY OFF INTO THE SUNSET TOGETHER.
Michael Hurst shock jock documentarian guy, HOW COULD THIS BE MORE OBVIOUS?!
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In the series finale, Xena is finally killed – permanently – by a Japanese samurai ghost. Gabrielle gets a tattoo to try and save her, but Xena essentially sacrifices herself because her death will save the souls of all the people she killed when she was a warlord. Then Gabrielle becomes the new Xena, taking on the name and role of protector of the innocent (kinda like the Dread Pirate Roberts in Princess Bride). And Xena ends up like her spirit guide.
The end.
I am unsatisfied with this but ok.
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I never did a summary of our original Xena watch, so here it is:
Worth the watch. It is silly fun with a lot of heart. Lots of the effects hold up. The fight scenes are fun and dorky.
There are several arcs that are deeply problematic. Their whole trip to India, for example — the producers had to do a “whoopsie, sorry India, we love you and respect your culture” message at the end of one episode because India the country was like, “This episode is super offensive.” And it was! The “religion of Eli” stuff is weird. There’s a lot of that fantasy tribalism that the 90s were so into that is just super gross. Some episodes are tedious or just bad. There’s way more Joxer in this show than there needed to be.
But for the most part, it’s a fun, dumb, entertaining series that also has one of the best wlw pairings on TV. The relationship between Xena and Gabrielle is honestly just really satisfying to watch even by modern standards, even if the producers were really cagey about the nature of it up until the end. Xena and Gabrielle are great characters who are great together; they laugh, they fight, they grow together, they support each other. It’s nice. Lucy Lawless is a badass and Renee O’Conner is fantastic.
This commentary offers but a glimpse into the world of “Xena: Warrior Princess.” Go forth, and know it better!
Veronica Dymond 